The Road to Somewhere is Paved with Good Intentions
If it is someone's good intention to set me up on a blind date, why is it that the path that is paved to hell is the one upon which I have to walk?
There was a time in my life where I was very open to being
“fixed up” with a prospective date. Let
me say that one’s enthusiasm or openness is dampened by experience.
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It did not bother me that he had the physique of
the Pillsbury dough boy. What un-nerved
me was his strange preoccupation with a cataclysmic end of the world as we know
it. Perhaps there are things one should not
reveal on a first date? Like obsessive
ideas?
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I was intrigued by the southern accent. A cup of coffee never killed anyone,
really. I don’t think. But when he started talking about his ex-wife
and how his dog went crashing through the sliding glass doors and he blamed the
ex-wife for that… I thought he might, perhaps, not be emotionally healthy ….
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My friend told me about a nice man at her church
that I might like to meet. So I went to
church to scope him out. Okay, so I’m
shallow. He was about 20 years older
than me, much more rotund than just “big boned,” and walked like a little old
man. So, maybe I am shallow.
Ø
I think there has to be a spark in the
conversation. It’s my fault that I don’t
spark when we talk about golf. It wasn’t
the big shock of hair on the top of his head that scared me. It was just the thought of how much glue he
needed to use to keep it there…I could have even endured that if I was up on my golf.
My fault. I’m wondering if you
have to iron polyester pants?
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Perhaps I was not even thirty yet when I was
selling a twin bed from my apartment.
(There was not enough room for me and
my dog on the twin.) So I met this
woman buying a bed for her divorced, adult son.
And she really took a shine to me. She came right out and asked me if I was
available because her son was single. I
really want to ask what kind of a man doesn’t buy his OWN bed, but sends his
mother to do it? Somehow I don’t think I
am ready for that kind of responsibility in a relationship. I wonder if it worked and we married, if she
would move in with us? Yikes.
Ø
Another non-toxic cup of coffee set up by a
mother. Was it necessary for him to
argue with me on my interpretation of the religious significance of a popular
children’s story? Did he have to tell me
I was “wrong” immediately on the first (and last) date? Someone should tell dating folks that
correction and criticism aren’t exactly endearing, crowd-pleasers.
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I have surmised that a man who issues a kind of
subtle insult is actually trying to sabotage a date. I no longer give handicap points for direct
offenses. We were both high school
teachers from two different private schools meeting at a local Irish pub. I dreaded the walk in the door alone because
to get to the seating area I had to walk full length parallel to the bar – not
once, but twice - it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Apparently he was nursing his beer with his
back to the door the whole time because actually I met a mutual acquaintance
who pointed the blind date out to me and walked up and did an impromptu
introduction. It was me who suggested
that we not stand against the bar staring at the bottles the whole time – sitting
at a table seemed more conducive to dating ambiance. He managed to issue a patronizing critique
for me not wanting an alcoholic beverage.
Then somehow the conversation steered to politics and he gave me an
incredulous, sarcastic look and demeaned me for supporting my political party
of preference… as if it made me the village idiot to be what I am. I chalked it off to his poor communi-cation
skills and gave him handicap points, but there was never a second date. Years later, in hindsight, I realize that he
was trying to make me walk out by subtle insults. I have never encountered such a person before
so nothing prepared me for that level of disrespect.
Ø
I did get fixed up with a nice man. Once.
Unfortunately he did not seem to have a sense of humor. He was polite – which was worth a lot of
points. But my friend who set us up was
kind of disappointed that I didn’t fly into his arms at the first slow dance
available. I cannot imagine anything
more uncomfortable than getting into the close personal space of a complete
stranger.
The thing that helps me keep my
perspective about being “set up” on a date is that it is done with the best of
intentions. The friend obviously thinks
enough about me and this other person that they would like two single people to
find happiness together. In that spirit,
there are arrangements made where there is no evident common ground. I think you can tell in the first ten minutes
or so if the thing has any potential or not.
After years of actually dating people that my heart was not totally
“sold” on – I made concessions and gave handicap points – I have now come to
believe that compromise is not a verb that belongs with dating. Dating, be fussy. Save compromising for marriage because once
you’re in it, baby, you’re in it for the long haul.
I have noticed a characteristic of
some people who arrange the blind date set-ups.
It has been insinuated by a few people (my grandmother was one of them)
that I am “too fussy” but in the spirit of fairness, read through the above
list of mystery dates and come to your own conclusions. Remember that does not include people I
actually dated for longer periods of time – people who had manipulative control
issues, psychological diagnoses, and other hindrances to the development of a
healthy relationship. If I had to do it
over again, a lot of those situations would have never happened. They would have been scratched from the race
after the first date. I heard a keynote
speaker once say that “dating is about learning to dump losers.” I do not agree with that in the sense that I
believe the mark of a mature adult is the ability to identify or intuit that a
relationship is not a good match, and from there to walk away congenially. No name-calling is necessary. Just leave the situation calmly as a person
of integrity. Choosing who we spend time
with is important. And we have a right
and an obligation to not string someone along unnecessarily – even by giving
them good faith handicap points as we hope against hope that they will
change. As the eligible young bachelor
said to Rebbe Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof,”
“Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness.” I could not agree more.
I myself have set people up on
dates. And if it does not fly, I don’t
feel bad about it. There has to be that
emotional “click” – at least on the friendship level. The problem with worldly dating is that
people think the “click” has to be romantic.
For the first date, I don’t think so.
I am a believer that a good friendship can actually grow a good
romance. After all, romantic love is
just based on emotions, hormones, pleasant manners and good cologne. You are laughing but sometimes isn’t that
it? So if I go out with someone for
coffee and really just enjoy being in their presence isn’t that a good sign of
potential longevity in a relationship? I
know that there are plenty of people out there who look for the romance first
and foremost, and find only a short term fling and then leave the so called
relationship with bitterness and disillusion – it is because they put the cart
before the horse.
Building a relationship is kind of
like building a house. Everyone can’t
wait to see the sides of the house and the colors of the shutters and beautiful
bay windows – very few people get excited about the pouring of the concrete
basement that comes before even one board is laid down on the ground. But in the long run, if you have a poor
basement that house just is not going to sit right on the land that shifts
around it. With no basement or concrete
foundation, it will decay from the bottom up.
A good foundation is absolutely essential for the endurance of the
structure. We need to teach our young
people about building good foundations for their relationships AND if we are
still single, we need to re-orient ourselves about the importance of those
foundations for ourselves.
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