Forgiveness in a Season of Hope
“What actually DOES it mean to forgive?” I asked my
friend. She looked at me, as if waiting
for a disclaimer on the question, or that it would be a rhetorical one, with an
answer neatly packaged following the question mark. But really I just needed to double check with
another sane adult that I was on the right track with my mid-life assessment. With some concepts, your insight changes with
your life experience.
Forgiveness really comes after the long pause when the Christmas
carols stop. By that I mean, we all sing
“Joy to the World, the Lord is come,” and yet God in His heaven was aware even
at that moment that the Divine baby had a rough road ahead. Years later, the Gospel writer makes it awkwardly
clear that the adult Christ riding into Jerusalem on a donkey, as an ancient
king would, being greeted by palm fronds laid at his feet knew these people’s
hearts. He knew that one minute they
were hailing him, and the next minute they’d be turning him over for
execution. Such is the distressing nature
of humanity: we don’t always stay in the
right frame. God Himself learned to live
in the moment when things were going great, while being painfully aware that “great”
is not a permanent human condition.
Forgiveness doesn’t give someone a free pass for bad
behavior. I think of the Presidential scandal
involving a young woman, a closet, and a blue dress. The country asked the question: “Can we forgive the President?” But that really was a red herring – a distraction
from the true issue. The question of
that forgiveness didn’t belong to us. It
belonged to: his wife, God, and the
young woman he led astray. I am going to
put the burden on his shoulders for that.
The alleged adult in the situation has to own the responsibility. The leaders of his faith (Baptist) sent in
some big name, conference-speaker Baptists to meet with him and get him to
repent and pray with them. And I think
they came out bewildered, not realizing going in that he was not going to repent
in front of them, lest it hurt a court case.
Years ago, I asked a lawyer how it was that she could represent
a client she knew was guilty. Her answer surprised me, “It is not my job to
decide if the person is innocent or guilty.
It is my job to give them the best defense possible.” In effect, she had to lay aside the issue of
innocent or guilty and look at re-defining the situation to a light that looked
good. This perhaps was the reason I
could never go into the practice of law.
I just couldn’t do it.
Forgiveness also does not let someone into the place where
they can do the same damage again. That
would be just foolish. Best case I can
think of that violated this:
Chappaquidick. I hear
the name of the town and I feel odd in the pit of my stomach. What actually happened on the night that the
now-late Senator Ted Kennedy walked away from the vehicle sinking into the
water with MaryJo Kopeckne inside it?
And how was it that he came to sit before television cameras to ask the
people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts if they would still let him be
their senator? And what the HELL were
they thinking when they said stuff to the street corner reporters that had
nothing to do with the real issue? Ie.) “Yeah,
I think he deserves another chance.” WHAT?! Does someone “need” to be senator that badly,
that they can’t just say: “I’ve been
part of a great tragedy. I’m just going
to go home quietly and mourn that I was even part of this.” Humility and politics never made good bed-fellows
apparently.
Forgiveness doesn’t trivialize the nature of the injury. “No big deal.” “Nah, we’re all good.” “It’s okay.”
Nope. It’s not okay. In thinking about the things that disrupt the
flow of life, and actually hurt people … which tends to flow out in concentric
circles …. We need to be better at saying, “how can we make this right?” and “what do we need to do to right this ship
for sailing forward?” Good communication
skills are important for forgiveness. Do
you want to know how deeply you have hurt someone, if you touch them and they
pull back like you stabbed them, that’s a pretty good indication.
When I taught a morality class years ago, I said
to the young adults that when we think of preparing for marriage we tend to
think too much about sexuality. That is
actually the smallest part of the married life.
Give it a number, say 5% of 7 days a week (if you’re lucky). And if that is so, then what is the largest
part of married life??? 95% COMMUNICATION. When your communication breaks down and you
think you hate the other person’s guts, the last thing you are interested in is
…. letting them touch you. So then it
will take all those other skills (95%) to point you towards the solid path of
reconciliation, if you ever want to see the 5% again. It’s that simple. I asked an elderly married couple to identify
what enabled the longevity of their marriage.
She smiled and said, “I always let him have the last word.” He smiled back and said, “Yes. And the last word is: Yes, dear.”
Forgiveness is subsequent to an emotional wound. Like physical wounding, the healing takes
time depending on the depth and breadth of the cut. It may involve the help of a professional –
an emotional doctor of sorts – clergy, psychologist, trusted friend. It may involve a period of silence. Sometimes you just have to sit with the debris
and let the dust settle. A hasty
forgiveness may not be a complete forgiveness or a well-placed forgiveness.
Forgiveness may require new boundaries. These boundaries say: “Yes, I can forgive this wounding. But, no, the person can’t have access again
to the same area of my heart or life.”
Out of respect for the injured party, and in a spirit of true
reconciliation, that is not an unreasonable request.
Forgiveness brings a New Normal. It could be stronger than the Old
Normal. It can and should be WISER than
the Old Normal. It should at least be
better than the Old Normal. And
re-calibrating normal, again, always takes time and can’t be rushed for the
sake of slapping a label on it that the issue is over and done with.
Forgiveness may not even mean that both parties agree on an
issue going forward – unless the issue is to have respect for the no-fly zones
so that there isn’t further injury.
Forgiveness at times is one-sided:
the injured party forgives for the sake of his/her own peace, and that’s
that. Sometimes people walk away from a
falling out and one side never really understands what the true issue was. Have you ever heard someone say, “I don’t know
why you are getting so upset?” That’s
what that is. It does no good for the
injured party to continue to churn the toxic feelings inside himself/herself
every time the other person comes to mind.
One friend always told me: “Let
go and let God.” Great advice. Except she had to take a “nerve pill” to
enable her to get to that point. I’m
only taking Benadryl for the hives.
Little baby born in
Bethlehem, did you choose a stable to remind us that life is messy? Did your momma and daddy have sorrow in their
hearts as they had traveled from inn to inn so you could be born in a soft bed,
and yet were rejected at every turn?
When the star shone overhead to bring strangers from afar to worship you
also remind you that your own people would struggle in accepting you? Did the warm breath of the ox and ass in the
stable serve as an example that sometimes the animals are more compassionate
and nurturing than neighbors? All of
these injustices against your holy and innocent self when you came among us …
teach us, who are imperfect, to better forgive during this holy season.
