More Than a White Ribbon ....

More Than a White Ribbon

“I fell into the door,” she said to me in an apologetic voice.  It was as if she was telling me she was clumsy.  But I was young then and hadn’t yet developed the ability to assess situations quickly enough.  It is most likely that her admission of falling into a door was at least half true.  She probably was punched in the face and then fell into the door, thus the black eye she was painfully sporting as I spoke with her. 

I remember driving out to her house in the middle of nowhere on a beautiful sunny summer day.  For some reason, it was a case when I was selling a bird and also delivering it, which I rarely do.   To this day, I can’t even remember which North Country back road even led me to the ramshackle house where she lived.  The man was more interested in the bird in the cage than she was.  She kept a quiet distance behind him as if she was a shadow – attached, and yet somehow removed.  He squatted down and talked to the bird in a friendly fashion and invited me to step into their kitchen.  There was no kitchen counter.  A stark piece of plywood covered the place where a counter would have been.  Actually, the whole room looked pretty torn-up.

I said something polite about how we all have our own home projects and left it at that.  In retrospect, I wonder how long that project had been in-the-works.  Perhaps the money he spent elsewhere had been earmarked for a counter top?  Maybe even his purchase of this bird was delaying a new counter top he had promised the woman?  I don’t want to think about it.

But that’s how abuse is.  We don’t want to think about it.  Whether we are a victim or an innocent bystander, we’d rather not acknowledge how terrible it is.  We’d rather call it something else, like an “accident” perhaps.  In fact, some people will go so far as to take the blame on themselves in order to protect the perpetrator, “I’m so clumsy, I should have been more careful,” or “I guess I shouldn’t have said what I said to him…”

There are few things which make me as sad as looking at broken, dysfunctional relationships.  Maybe that is because I have this mental construct in my mind of how things should be.  Happiness and living in peace doesn’t have to be a longed-for miracle:  it requires a decision from both participants to not make it tough, to not be self-centered, and to choose to be kind in all things.  It also requires that people deal with their own junk before dragging someone else into their life.  Frankly, it’s going to take more than a bunch of people wearing “white ribbons against domestic violence” to solve this problem – but awareness is a beginning.  Maybe then we can help some of the victims before they actually become casualties.  It’s odd how we read more in the papers about rescuing dogs than we do about rescuing humans.

A few weeks ago, I walked up a side street in the city and noticed a small dachshund mix dog hovering on the driveway of its house.  I say “hovering” because it didn’t seem to be quite 4-on-the-floor as the dogs at my place.  (well, mostly they are 4-on-the-floor, except when they are in mid-air jumping with joy).  I was at an eight-foot distance and just bent ever so slightly and used my doggie-soothing voice to say, “Hi there, and how are you?”  The dog gave me a wary look and raised one paw shakily in the air.  I noticed there was a dirty scrap of carpet or material that it was on, but no food or water was in sight.  It also did not seem to be tethered to anything.  Nonetheless, it gave off a vibe of suffering.  Its ribs were plainly visible and there was not a glint of happiness in its eyes.

I stepped into a home up the street where my friends were and borrowed a cell phone to call the police at 911.  No car came by in the 30 minutes that I lingered to see how it would go.  Friends reported to me that they later heard the dog howling.  The next day, I phoned the 911 call center to see if any action had been taken.  The officer read me a report that was inconclusive.  It never said if they even saw a dog.  It was not clear if they even walked the sidewalk for a closer look.  I assured him that in the future I would not call them and bother them with such a request – I will call the SPCA directly.   He agreed that was a better choice.  WELL, if it is a better choice TODAY, why didn’t you direct me to make the call YESTERDAY?!  

I get it that Police have bigger fish to fry than dog cruelty cases.  Yet I can’t imagine that I am the only person who has ever called 911 on something like this, so why wasn’t the call re-directed to help a resolution come to pass?  I believe that stream-lining the system to a channel that works immediately would be an obvious work-around to any call volume issues:  Type A calls go here; Type X calls go there; etc.  I don’t know, maybe I am a pioneer in my thinking, but I doubt it.  I know they transferred me to a non-emergency line, but I felt more like a postcard that got dumped in the dead letter office:  confident I’m going nowhere, ever.

This was much like the call I made a few years ago when someone’s little terrier was in the middle of 5 o’clock traffic on a busy hill leaving the area where I work.  The dog was in an absolute panic and cars were rolling and stopping so that no one would hit him as he scurried in and out of the center of the road.  To me, that would merit a patrol car coming out to rectify that scenario.  Again, the non-emergent 911 operator was a little more casual about the report.  Maddening.  I imagine other drivers, like me, were hesitant to completely stop traffic, get out of their vehicles and try to corral the dog somewhere else.   

So what is my point with these stories?  I guess that as I grow more mature in my “take” on life’s vignettes, I think we should be more aware of our surroundings.  One of the words we use to describe life as an adult is “Responsibility.”  If you break that word down to “response-ability,” it tells us exactly what the goal of personal maturity is: to get to a point where we have an ability to respond to what is in front of us.  The opposite is the mental stupor that is induced by living in a way that is completely self-absorbed and leisure-oriented.  We are so busy living for ourselves at times, that we forget our place as a member of the community of life around us.

We need response-ability for our interfaces with both people and animals – in fact, all of the facets of life surrounding us require our presence of mind.  I guess the harder task will be to ferret-out the things that dehumanize our perspective in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Godspeed to us.  We’ve got a ways to go. 

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Cultural Disintegration - Part 3.

Part 3. of Cultural Disintegration

The Language of Communication

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.  An elephant’s faithful 100 percent!”  This line from a famous children’s book reminded children (and the adults who read to them) of the importance of verbal integrity.  You say what you mean.  You mean what you say.  Anything more or less gets you in trouble.  Recently at work someone I don’t know well walked by my desk and asked me what kind of ice cream I like.  I told her.  She said she was going out and would bring me some.  She came back two hours later and said she had been sitting outside and it melted.   

I am a middle aged, adult woman.  Her little white lie shouldn’t have bothered me.  But it did.  At first I felt a child-like sense of disappointment.  Then I remembered that when she initially asked me it felt awkward that someone who owes me nothing was offering to do something outside the lines of the page I am coloring.  Then I did a little research and found out that this offer was part of a fabrication.  Her behavior was confusing to me.  But now I know I’m going to be a lot more cautious about anything that she says because her debut of words was initially dishonest.  Think about it, if someone is insincere or dishonest about a small thing, can you expect them to be honest and true about more important things?

I hear a lot of language during the day.  I hear communication of information that is needed (at work).  I hear junk that is totally unnecessary (on the radio, see above rant on the Media).  I hear people being kind and sensitive and I also hear people being frustrated.  I am often surprised that the word that was previously restricted to use by spray paint artists on bridges and uneducated bumpkins with no class at all is now used by practically everyone.  I have to admit that I’ve even “thought it” when the guy ran a stop sign and almost hit my vehicle –with me in it – last summer.  But we all need to ask ourselves if this makes it better when we vent it out in such a hostile manner.  That word has never been known to make a friend or diffuse a situation.  And I won’t even get into how incredibly sexist it is by implication…. We just need to stop.  I’ve even substituted my old Emergency Management Word with the word “sharks.”  After all, I have people who need better behavior from me – they need to see Grace Under Pressure, not Impatience at the Wheel.

Private phone calls in public places are a new thing out of control.  I was recently sitting three tables away from someone on their cell phone who went into all kinds of admittedly boring details about her love life as if it mattered.  She was explaining to someone who might have cared more if they heard less.  But I, in fact, needed to hear NONE of it.  Yak-yak-yak, YAWN.  But not only that, it was ear pollution.  If I wanted this kind of drama I’d turn on a television set and watch one of the Judge programs, at least Someone eventually tells them to be quiet.  People need to have some self-respect and keep their private world private.  I can assure you that when I am standing in the line at the grocery store, I do not want to hear you review your grocery list with your person on the phone; nor do I want to hear anything else.  As a culture, we have become so self-centered we don’t hold back on exposing complete strangers to our data.  Just STOP.

It’s like what?  When I taught high school, I used to say to the kids, “Don’t tell me what it’s LIKE.  Tell me what it IS.”  That is in response to the incredible over use of the word “like.”  If you listen to the like-abuse in context, it is almost always self-reflexive.  “It’s like I was saying that  ….” And, “You know, like, it was so mean of him to think he’s, like, all that and, well, whatever.”  Mostly these sentences are content-free…. which is exactly what is happening to language all around us.  

Language ceases to be communication when there is no content to it.  The art of communication used to involve encoding (I put a message together and convey it to another person) and decoding (the other person tries to make sense out of the data).  When there is NO content, the process breaks down.  What is left without communication?  Um, it’s like, dude, I don’t know.

So, truth, self-control, and clarity are things we need to guide back into our language system.  It will be part of creating a more nurturing, respectable climate.  It will set the tone for a peaceful civilization.  It’s about time, don’t you think?

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Cultural Disintegration - Part 2.

Part 2 of Cultural Disintegration

The Media in the Middle

In my university days, we used to ask the question:  “Does reality create the media; or, does the media create reality?”  Please note:  We have more television stations available, and yet the content has become increasingly more violent, sensual, and inane.  Has our culture modeled those destructive behaviors first, or has the media imposed those mores on us to shape our worldview?  Even in the 1970’s my mother could not mention the word “Hollywood” in a sentence without using the phrase

“sold their souls to the devil” as well.  The terms had become inextricably linked.  I don’t think she made a mistake.  For all the good that television could have done us: the joy of learning our ABC’s with Big Bird and his friends; the vicarious adventure of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom; and the open doors to other lands with National Geographic, we have mostly left those in the dust.  We’ve traded in education and pleasant viewing for violent crime scenes, complicated, immoral relationships, and judgmental, biased, divisive political ranting.  Somehow most of society feels they cannot survive without this intellectually and spiritually lethal viewing menu.

That being said, people have come to view “having” television on the most basic level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  I remember thirty years ago standing in a meeting with a stranger next to me making small talk.  I said to him, “Oh, I don’t even OWN a television.  I don’t have time.”  He flatly stated:  “well, I don’t think THAT’s right.”  Don’t misunderstand the tone of voice – he wasn’t saying that I deserved a tv and should have one.  He was saying that I was violating Some Unwritten Cultural Rule by NOT having one!  I found his response confusing. 

Lately, when I am shopping in the Big Box stores and the satellite dish network guys standing at a demo table reach out and ask:  “How’s your cable company treating you?”  I get the biggest charge out of answering:  “I wouldn’t know; I don’t have one.”  Inevitably, the guy is in his late 20’s or early 30’s in a dress shirt and tie and leans forward to ask:  “Well who provides your television service?”  And I respond:  “No one.  Do the math.  I’m saving a minimum of $50/month times 12 months times 30 years.  Plus I’m living MY life, not watching someone else’s.  How much money did I just SAVE?!”  Most likely, it’s the first time for him to do math that high since school, and he chuckles.  I continue on to the dog food aisle, and we are all done with my comedy for the evening.   Yes I do catch a movie or watch dvd’s but nowhere near close to the hours that other people who have paid for service do. 

The Media is about the business of creating an alternate reality.  And that reality is generated in the hearts and minds of the people who are writing the script.  Case in point, I’m watching a tv series on dvd at present and this is how it goes:  Season 1 is flawless, engaging, and has spectacular character development and story lines.  Season 2 they throw in a few curse words (which is offensive to people of faith), and begin the moral decline of the main character with a woman in the hidden stacks of a famous library.  If you want to forget that you just saw that, wait a few episodes and they will reference that rendezvous again.  Then they will take the story line of one of the episodes of Season 3, and film a good 15 minutes of it in a strip bar – and you will see, albeit over the shoulders of the main characters, what the inside of a strip bar looks like… which is a level of voyeurism that decent people prefer to avoid.  It leaves us asking two questions at this point:  What next?  And/or do we give Season 4 a shot for the sake of otherwise “good” content?  The decision is still up in the air.  Where will the line be drawn on what taboo subjects will be shoved in the face of the viewing population?  Yeah, and the one you’re thinking of, they went there too.

No one thinks of the children amidst us anymore –or their innocence.  The Media did not hold back letting us know what the devil in the blue dress did with the man who was holding the office of President of the United States a few years ago.  I was sitting in McD’s having a meal when I heard some details overhead and all I could think of was, “Did I do something to deserve this news in the middle of my meal?”  and, “Wow am I glad I am not a parent eating with little kids who want to know what that term means.”  All of a sudden the entire country was privy to the immorality of the man who OWED IT TO US to be a decent human being with integrity.  He had the highest post in the country and shamed us all.

Currently as I write this a once beloved comedian is having his dalliances strewn about the media’s airwaves.  Just reading the brief description of the case in the newspaper made me nauseous.  I find it hard to believe the woman involved was truly a victim if she put herself in the location with him alone where this could happen.  What did she think they were going to do, drink tea and shoot the breeze?  And, I’m sure that went over well with his wife.  Not.  I am moving towards thinking that the proceedings of trials in the courtroom should now be totally restricted from public knowledge.  If a person is accused of evil and acquitted, it is still difficult to re-build their damaged reputation even if all the details are sealed.  If a person is found guilty and goes to jail, we don’t really need to know how bad they were.  The common city newspaper, both in print and online has basically dropped to a reading level about sixth grade or lower and the content level is on par with the tabloids.  So really, when our city paper goes through the process of evaporating, I say:  “Good riddance.”

Years ago, when the clergy scandals were plastered all over the newspapers, people got the impression that everyone in ministry was a potential perpetrator and that all the accused were automatically guilty.  I have a few friends who are in the clergy.  One of them shared with his congregation that he would be wearing civilian clothes until the emotional climate soothed a bit.  He explained that he had been wearing his clerical blacks and white collar in a grocery store and a woman physically grabbed her kid and pulled the child dramatically to her as if to avoid a kidnapping.  My friend is a gentle soul with integrity and a kind heart.  This action hurt him, but he understood.  As he spoke to us that morning in church he held his left hand up high to the left with a fist grasping an imaginary knot and said, “I have a solution:  a rope and a tree.”  Wow, someone who shared the outrage of the common person.  This is what people need to know:  it is not clergy vs. laity, a Them vs. Us.  It is good against evil.  We have to be clear what that looks like. 

In another case, a man I know was accused and arrested.  I read the 

article and my eyebrows lifted:  three kids in the same family, really?  First and foremost I can say from my conversations with him that he was a man of very high integrity and deep spirituality.  There was hardly even a shadow when he walked in sunshine, he was that solid of a person.  Secondly, he was handsome.  And it did not take much imagination to think that if an unscrupulous single mother made a pass at him he would have deflected it…. And she could attempt to “get even” by accusing him.  And I say this because if you study predators, they are not stupid enough to prey upon children in the same family because it ups the likelihood that one of them will “spill the beans” and the truth will be out.  So that being said, I wrote to the author of the news piece and told her:  “You are guilty of Trial-by-Media.  Every man is due his day in Court.  That is the American way.  You have maligned an innocent man.”  Her response to me was brief:  “Do you know something I need to know?”  See, she was not about truth, she was about more dirt to sell newspapers…. Newspapers which are barely worthy to have my pet birds crap on them.  

At which point will the Media be held accountable for detraction, slander and sensationalism?  When will the people stand up and say:  ENOUGH.  We want truth, not spin.  We don’t want details and sensationalism so you can sell your product.  We are done with you destroying the innocence of our children in the name of avoiding be censored.  We want you to serve the community, not undermine its values and malign its leaders.  We used to have a body or Commission that over-saw such things.  They haven’t ruled on anything in so long, I have forgotten what we called them.  Now it is up to the common people to organize leagues of decency to make sure that the Media doesn’t continue to make Itself Grand Justice and Jury.  They have stepped way out of their bounds.  We need to tie them back to the dog house where they belong.

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Cultural Disintegration - Part I.

Cultural Disintegration

I’d like to make the case that I think we are seeing the end of civilization as we knew it twenty years ago in the United States of America.  I think there are three indicators to this unfortunate reality and I would like to share some thoughts on each of them for your consideration.  

The indicators are these:

                Language/communication

                Media

                Morality

The Moral Shift

Thirty years ago in the United States, cultural commentators began to say that we were seeing the “breakdown of the nuclear family.”  Now, we don’t even know what the nuclear family is!  Perhaps if you asked kids in high school what that term means, they think it is people who live with the fear of nuclear warfare!  (Yes, we unfortunately have that concern too.)  But by “nuclear family” we are referring to a family unit that was comprised of a Mother, a Father, and any children under their roof.  The identifiers for nuclear family were:  eating a common meal together daily, going to worship on the weekend, typically a father being the bread-winner, and the mother being at home caring for the kids … at least until they were of school age.  The kids were told:  “Dad has his job; Mom has her job (taking care of YOU!); and your job is to do well in school.  If you give the teacher any static in school, we will give YOU static on your backside at home.”  There was an order to life and it tended to produce orderly results.

Now, all that has exploded.  Families eat on-the-run which can account for the proliferation of fast food joints across the country.   Some of that is because in the Land of Available Prosperity, you are either working to get “stuff,” or you are trying to enjoy the very “stuff” you worked so hard to achieve – be they vacations, participation in sports and lessons of various types (horseback riding, pottery classes), etc..  Our very eating habits betray the cultural shift.  For those who rely on fast-food (like me!) to make it through the week that is too busy to include real cooking, our bodies begin to look like what we eat:  fat.  For those who manage to eat healthfully, so much of their time and money is sucked up in that enterprise.  It takes some effort to shop and eat the right way – and to a certain degree, we are coming to see that as a luxury of the more solidly middle & upper class echelons.  

To the point:  blue collar workers and the under and unemployed struggle to eat correctly due to deficiencies in both economics and education, and the demographic of Overweight America is lodged more obviously in their arena.  Who ever knew that the What and How of eating was so critical to the health and relationships in our culture?!  In addition, people seem so preoccupied with every other thing of life – work or leisure, eating or dieting, survival or illness, etc. – that their spirituality has all but swirled the drain.

It seems that less than 60% of people who identify with a religion actually show up for services on the weekend.   (data gleaned from observing local churches’ quantity of registrations vs. actual persons in the bench.)  The figure is probably alterable relative to which religion we are assessing, as while Catholic and mainline Protestant Church attendance is down, evangelical Protestant churches are up – arguably, it could also be a shift of where those Catholics and Mainliners are going besides staying home.  As for the general drop off in attendance, we should ask:  What are some of the reasons this happened?  As one segment of the intelligentsia created a false dichotomy between religion and science, anyone who wanted to be thought of as “smart or educated” probably felt they couldn’t show up in a house of worship…. As if people of faith are necessarily cultural ignoramuses.  

Or maybe it was those problematic ten commandments – if they had been ten suggestions, would they have lasted as long before the pseudo-cultural-liberators demanded they be torn off the walls of our courthouses and schools?!  Yet if you look at every single one of those ten commandments, they seem to be the basis for the survival of a moral and thoughtful human community.  Could their damning by so many be the very reason that we as a civilization are imploding?

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