Nothing Nice to Say - Part I.

Nothing Nice to Say – Something Relevant to Address – Part I

Today is St. Valentine’s Day – arguably a holiday with which I have had a somewhat tentative relationship over the years.  I went from the sweetness of a young girl making out Snoopy Valentine’s for friends in grade school, to a college student realizing that love is more broad-reaching than solely romantic relationships, to a mid-life single that wants to kick the Hallmark Department in the shins. I don’t regret the years that I was thoughtful enough to send valentines to my grandparents, aging aunts and uncles, parents and local widows. I am, though, irritated that romance is so over-rated that we have to actually REMIND men to appreciate their women once a year when they actually have a life Together ALL the days of the year. What about those who live alone?  Who celebrates THEM?! 

So in today’s rant, I mean, “blog,” I would like to comment on how to speak sensibly to people who are not spinning circles in love and singing in the rain.  You have no idea what that life is like if you are not living it.  In the spirit that this is meant, consider me your Yoda for the moment with wise advice. Begin with this premise:

St. Valentine’s Day can be tough on non-dating single people and it could in fact be painful for them to be reminded of it.  Most years, I despise it only a little less than Halloween for entirely different reasons. Here are my thoughts on walking through their emotional minefield today:

            Your single friend(s) may have a moment of vulnerability or self-pity or outright hopelessness about               his/her state     in life.  Do not, I repeat, do not say anything cute, cliché or spiritual. We don’t want               to hear it.  And it only makes things feel worse.  Listening costs you nothing and allows the person a               moment of ventilation.  He/she has let you into a deep part of a very personal journey.  Suffering                     exists.  Sometimes there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better.  Bite your lip.

Following are examples gleaned from the personal experiences of myself and my women friends. 

Mistaken Technique:  Disparage Marriage with poor case studies.  “You would not want a husband like so-and-so has, would you?  You are better off alone.  He can’t hold a job, he beats her and … etc.”  This approach tries to throw you off target by making you glad you are not “trapped” by marriage.  The point is, no one wants a marriage like that, not even your single friend.  But if she has a dating history, I bet she dumped guys just like that other bum… after she practically bashed her head against a wall trying to make it work.

Well-meaning suggestions:  “… All the Wrong Places”

Some will tell you that you will find nice godly men in church.  True.  Sometimes you will.  But Rome still hasn’t approved married clergy yet.

Others will say that even though you find a man in a church, he might not be a “good Christian” because just because you are standing in a garage doesn’t make you a Lexus.  True enough.  And the point was?

The Veiled Accusation:  You Limit Yourself

Yet another will say, “You have to go out more.”  My request is:  define “more.”  I work 40 hours a week; I grocery shop; I go to movies and recreational outings and conferences with friends; I go to Church; I volunteer.  My schedule is pretty full.  What part of “more” am I missing?  You tell me.

The Veiled Accusation:  You Won’t Drop to a Necessary Lower Level

“Well Suzie Q met her husband in a bar.  Neither of them went to bars much but that night their friends dragged them out and –bam – they met each other.”  Sounds more like a car accident to me.  I maintain that given the odds, a bar is still the best place to find an alcoholic with no contributing role in the larger community. 

The Attempt to Get You to Mingle

“Come out dancing with us.”  If you go with your married friends, they dance and you sit around watching all of the depressing interactions and slow dances around you.  If you go out with a group of women in the Third Millennium, men don’t look at you because they think single women out together may be “alternative lifestyle.”  In the spirit of sarcasm I say: That’s just great – they came out of the closet so I can sit home by myself.

Refuse to Define Yourself as Lacking

“Have you tried…” (insert name of singles’ event here).

The problems with singles groups are myriad.  I will generalize.  Forgive me if I step on toes or if your group is better than these.  Bless your heart.

Ø  They can tend to draw predators or the pitiful

Ø  They exist solely for identifying available people who oftentimes drop the rest of the group members once they find one person to date or marry or victimize

Ø  Sometimes they are clicky

Ø  Frequently the Catholic groups get hooked on the Happy Hour option (see my prior comments on bars)

The fact is I don’t want to join a group that bases my identity on what I lack.  It would seem more wholesome to meet someone while doing ministry or volunteer work – so that two giving, kind people going in the same direction walk together.  I believe it was Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen who said Christian marriage is not two people gazing into each other’s eyes – it is two people standing side-by-side, with God, facing the world together.