Roll your eyes, if you must. Just don’t get caught. That’s one thing I learned from teenagers. There is something therapeutic about being able to dissent from ridiculousness without your own mouth getting you in trouble. I’ve watched a lot of marriages from my safe distance. I have learned a lot and in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I would like to share my thoughts.
Last year, my brother said to me: “Don’t cry to me that you
aren’t married: you’ve had your
chances.” This put me in the somewhat
awkward or humorous position of having to explain to him that while, as one
friend put it “Chris, you’ve dated more than all of us combined,” I still
escaped the snare on purpose. I’ve
always wanted to be happily married. The
reason I am not is that I KNEW I could not be happily married to any of the
people I dated. I have guy friends that
I wondered, “How come this never became romantic?” and then years down the road
I watched how they managed the relationships they were in, and I was thankful
it wasn’t me. There were one or two who
“got away” but that is because I didn’t feel any sort of motivation in their
direction. Maybe I will catch them on
the next round when they are widowers?
But my answer to my brother that day was: “Those weren’t chances with good
odds. When you have only been dating
three months and you are BORED, then something is wrong. You certainly don’t sign up for the
60-year-plan when you feel that way at 3 months.” And, for me, it is really as simple as that.
So now that we have established why I am not married … I
want to talk about situations where people didn’t STAY married. Oh, the relational car crashes I have
watched. In one case, two friends of mine
married after less than a year of long-distance dating. They had completely different
personalities. Well, actually he didn’t have a personality…. And she had a lot
of emotion. It was a match that was
crazy. When they got married, I said to
him, “And you’re moving to WHERE? A
state where you have: no friends, no
relatives, no support for this brand-new marriage?” He said he was getting a job there. So what?
There aren’t places to work in the three or four other states where you
actually KNOW people? My fear came
true. They didn’t have solid resources
when they hit the rocks. He asked me to
share testimony towards getting an annulment.
Frankly, I did it more for her to have the “get-out-of-jail-free card,”
than I did for him. It was sad to be a
part of the people who could stand up and say:
“This shouldn’t have happened.”
Our Catholic thought that annulment says, “This marriage was not a
sacrament, was not a sign of Christ’s presence,” is missing something. That marriage was a sign of Christ’s
presence, namely: Him (Jesus) hanging on
the cross suffering from misunderstanding and being the target of the vitriol
of broken humanity. It was also a sign
that the marriage-prep process is mostly broken, or a bad or delusional joke.
I have said to the young people in my family: If you are going to prepare for marriage and
the priest offers you a short-cut for marriage prep, go somewhere else. The only short-cut in marriage itself is
divorce. If you are doing something THIS
important, do the preparation well and with sobriety. One priest once said to me: “I know MORE about marriage than most married
people do!” If it wasn’t for the
arrogant, offensive, and bitter tone in his voice, I may have believed him a
little more quickly. The fact is, all of
us have seen the “for better and for worse” of other people’s choices. A Christian speaker once said: “Marriage is like flies on both sides of a
screen door. Some of them can’t wait to
get in; others can’t wait to get out.” I
will say that not only is the preparation important, but the ongoing work is
important as well. Even after you are
married, if you have a chance to take a class or retreat together, do it. The success of one marriage has a tremendous
ripple effect on all the lives around them …. As does the failure of just one
marriage.
“I’d go for counseling, but (s)he won’t go.” Then go for yourself. You’re not perfect and you’re not whole. Fix you up better. Go for your kids. They deserve to not live in a war zone. They deserve to see people who love and
respect each other. How dare you
criticize the government, the church, the school systems around you that are
broken when you don’t try to fix your own self?
As the song “Let there be peace on Earth” says: “and let it begin …. with me!” You don’t have to get a medal for doing the
right thing. Making a better you,
becoming a more insightful and compassionate being is a gift you give …. To
yourself. If another person shares the
joy of that healing and growth, then so much the better. If they do not, then you are just helping
yourself and preparing for a more wholesome future. Be humble, begin in your own heart.
And so here I give you Bik’s Basic tips (from the sidelines)
for Relationships:
Ø
R*E*S*P*E*C*T.
Everyone wants it. You
cannot/should not STOP giving it just because you don’t feel you get it. Be the
Bigger Person. I remember a sweet old
man who sat at the bed of his feeble and disabled wife saying to me, “Oh, what
a beautiful life we had together!” and he went on to itemize their service to
the community as circus clowns (yes, really) for a major children’s charity. Every time he said the word “She” there was
so much love and gentleness in his voice I get tears in my eyes thinking of it. At the point where I met them, she was
completely incapable of giving him anything back – words, touch, feedback. He was just loving her into Infinity. When I find a man like that, I won’t sit on
the sidelines anymore.
Ø
Courtesy.
If you consider the other person’s needs first, you are following a
Biblical injunction for how to interface successfully in all
relationships. St. Paul talks about the
“pouring out of Christ” – think of that – how Christ died for the godless,
while they were still full of hate and sin – He had no guarantee who would
receive Him, and who would not. He just
poured it out. (Philippians 2). If it doesn’t hurt a little to pour yourself
out, you’re not doing it right. The Ego
dies hard.
Ø
Reverence.
Think of your spouse at his/her most vulnerable moment. Would you reach into the sink strainer and
pull out that yuck and fling it at him/her?
(say: “No, of course not. How horrible.”) And yet what language do we throw at that
person in our anger? YES we get frustrated.
YES we don’t think we can take two more minutes of the pointless
arguing. THEN we need other tools. Cussing someone out blows off steam in the
moment but does not heal the root cause of poor communication. In fact, the more you assault another
person’s self-esteem, the more you chip away at the foundation of any remaining
relationship. If the person has no proverbial
emotional leg to stand on, how can you move forward? Do not destroy anyone’s sense of self for any
reason.
Ø
You know all that “active listening” training we
all go through for work? Use it. Let the person really know that you “hear”
their heart. Pick a day to try it out where
you really just put all your own concerns back-burner and ask, “so how are you
doing, really?” If your child falls off
his/her bike, you get down to their level and say, “how can I make it better?” Why not do this for your spouse? And you know how it seems when you talk to
men they think you want them to “fix it”?
When you need to just be heard, say that in plain English. Ie) “I’ve got something that is bugging me,
and I need to talk it through. Can you
just listen to eight minutes of me saying it – don’t try to fix it -don’t try
to give advice – just let me say it out loud and I might feel better.” He is going to feel helpless, so just kiss
him on the cheek and move on. I am not
sure that most men perceive that “listening” actually IS doing something in a
woman’s perspective. Perhaps they can be
taught, though. Sometimes. In some cases.
Ø
Put as much work into your marriage relative to
the level of greatness that you want out of it.
There is a law of sowing & reaping that says, “what you put into
something is what you will get out of it.”
My Uncle John used to grow incredible tomato plants. He could take them from a seed, to toothpick
skinny, and make them grow to produce tomatoes the size of a professional
boxer’s fist. It took time, patience,
attention, practice and strong will. Some
years may have been better than others.
But overall, he was a giant when it came to raising tomatoes. In relationships, on days when you want to
just forget it and skip the weeding or watering process, you do it
anyways. When the fruit comes it will be
amazing. People will marvel and no one
needs to know what went on in the background to get you to greatness. Pay the price. It’s worth it.
Ø
Remember the early days when love was
blind. Now realize that taking that
approach may help you now. When your
partner makes a screwed-up choice, don’t rub their face in it. We all make the wrong decisions, sometimes
even with the best intentions or reasons.
Forgive as you would have forgiveness come back to you. My head still swims with remorse for things I
did ten, fifteen and twenty years ago. I
feel the humiliation as if the people who were there originally were still
responding to my idiocy. And yet, they
have most assuredly moved on with their lives.
It is me that keeps returning to the garbage pile and picking through
it. If I had one person to put my face
in my past mistakes, there are days I feel like it would crack me. BUT … if I had one person to be my
cheerleader to tell me I can be better and I can do better, I would be so
empowered!
I watched the movie “Fireproof” years ago and was struck by
the beauty and power and rawness of it.
It shows how when a relationship has a breakage in communication, other
forces can come in and try to pull the parties apart. (And, somehow, we think the next situation
will be better than what we are leaving?)
Shortly after the movie came out, yet another one of my friends was
watching his marriage erode. He kept saying
that there were no grounds for annulment.
I kept telling him that THAT was not the issue at hand. While she lived under his roof he had “home
court advantage,” and needed to re-court his wife… “woo-her,” if you will. And my gosh he fought that notion in its
utter simplicity six ways to Sunday. I
wanted to drive out there and crack him on the head myself. (but I don’t want to be impeached for saying
that.)
I gave him a first step from the Fireproof movie: buy her one single rose. He actually FOUGHT ME on the idea – that he
didn’t have enough spare change to be buying roses, etc. I told him in my endearingly heartless tough-love
way: “Skip a cheeseburger, you jerk. One single rose is a lot cheaper than
alimony.” Just put it in her room, and
when she stares at you and says, “What’s this for?” Just say, “Because you’re my wife.” Then:
put your hand over your mouth and leave the room. Do not say one more word or you will screw it
up. What you are trying to accomplish is
to put some initiative back into the process.
He called me a week later. He
tried it. She did snarl at him and he
followed my directions - or so he said – to a tee. And she looked at him and said: “Don’t think
you’re getting lucky.” So right there he
gets the barometer on how much wooing he’d actually have to do to get her to
not be so angry. And what did he then
do? From everything he led me to know,
nothing. He let the process die there
and so did his marriage. Secret: women want to be re-courted
periodically. We just need to know that
we still got it… Other secret: I think
men need to know they still got it too … so a little flirtation never hurt
anyone. That’s all I want to say about
that. Well, other than if you are not
willing to re-court your partner, don’t be surprised if they are accidentally
ensnared by someone who does want to court. Look at courtship as a fence you build around
valuable property. It provides the
protection and care to keep what belongs inside, happily inside, and what belongs
outside, outside.
What are the most important words in Relationship-land? I am not going to say that it is, “I love
you.” If you want that, watch the
Hallmark channel. I suspect that it is
actually, “I am sorry, please forgive me.”
The church down the road has a sign that says: “Forgiveness is a new
beginning.” I like that. It doesn’t make forgiveness easy to do. In fact, I believe it is the hardest thing to
do. But the alternative is ongoing
bitterness – and keeping that bubbling inside you is like drinking poison and
expecting someone else to get sick: You’re the one it hurts. If you want to tell me how the other person
did you wrong – in quantity and quality – I don’t want to hear it. I KNOW.
I am aware that there are wounds that really feel quite unforgivable. But
it is important to say that while we must forgive, that does not mean we are to
EXCUSE bad behavior. Nope. I have always been a fan of calling things as
they are and holding people accountable.
One of my dearest friends, on the other hand, was so lenient that if he
had a horse thief in his family, he’d say this: “Well, he’s basically a great
guy. He just has a little problem when
he gets around horses.” I have no room
for that kind of excusing in my brain. I
know Forgiveness does not mean that.
Forgiveness must then be something else, perhaps like: “every time I see that guy I am going to try
to not remember that he stole a horse.
And yet, I will not let him take my horse and say it’s not a
problem.” It’s a fine line to walk and I
am sure I don’t have it figured out yet. It is truly a decision, an act of the will, to
move your brain into forgiveness mode. I just know this, when a person humbles themselves
and says, “I am sorry, I truly am.
Please forgive me,” well, that does a lot to begin the healing.
So, if you are reading this blog and you think I wrote it
for you, I didn’t. I wrote it for the Lord. If He wanted you to read it, He has His own
reasons. Maybe I said something that
will save you heartache. Maybe I said
something that will save me heartache.
I think over the years I have seen enough and figured a few things
out. And Mr. Right, if you are out
there, practice saying “I’m sorry, please forgive me.” You’re a man, and you’re going to need it. XO XO XO ….
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