Die-with-a-T

Diet is “Die” with a T on it to distract you.  I’m just sayin’

A friend of mine is one of those health-conscious eaters.  She is very lean.  I worry about her because if there is ever a famine in the land she will have no fat stored to live off of.  It will just be the beefers and me, like a new brand of super-heroes, sizes 12 and up, saving mankind.  I don’t know what we will be doing, but I know that we will have the longevity, if we can get up out of our recliners and couches to rescue the planet.

I may have mentioned before that she tried to “convert” me to not drinking cow’s milk and not eating meat.  I aint buying it.  But she did say something intriguing about the therapeutic properties of apple cider vinegar.  I was initially leery because ACV (the insiders/believers call apple cider vinegar “ACV.”) is allegedly good for so many other things:  cleaning your oven, trapping and killing fruit flies, and a few other surprising and gross things.  I wonder if it also can be poured on a car battery to clean up grime and battery acid leaks – someone once proposed using coca cola for the same activity but I have never tried it… and continue to ingest coca cola myself <insert my proud, mischievous smile right here>.

So, in search of a homeopathic aid, I came upon yet another recommendation for ACV…  this time, as a tea.  What could be bad about tea?  This is the recipe:  a slice of lemon, 1-2 Tbsp ACV, ¼ tspn ground cinnamon, 1 tspn ginger, 1 Tbspn honey and almost boiling water.  It sounded do-able.  The recommended use was once daily for five days … any more than that, the recipe warns, may damage your tooth enamel.  Again I reference my speculation on cleaning car batteries. 

I have tasted this tea (and, yes, swallowed it) for three days now.  You were wondering what could be bad about tea?  I propose “nothing …. As long as you are washing it down with a cinnamon roll or a muffin.”  Eventually the attempts at healthy eating just become excuses for eating what you really wanted to have the first time!

Exhibit #2.  The People vs. Healthy Drinks.

SO picture me driving down the road on a Saturday afternoon – and I am thirsty and hungry at the same time – like the planets lining up, except I don’t have time for a real meal.  I have just finished grocery shopping for Lady #2.  Only fifteen minutes prior, I was standing before the yogurt cooler case and looking for just a smoothie that had some sort of berries in it, but I don’t want one of those all-juice ones that they hit you $3 for a six ounce bottle.  I grab this small container and it says “Berries” on it in a prominent space.  That was all I needed to see, or so I thought.  Again I move you to the point where I’m in my car, singing with the radio, loving life, feeling hungry-yet-hopeful.  I stop at the traffic light, simultaneously taking the opportunity to remove the little foil lid.  I touch the gas pedal slightly, the wind flows through my hair, I lift the drink to my lips.  BWAUGH!  If that is a word, that is the sound I made as the drink slipped down the hatch and the after-taste caught up with me.  My eyeballs popped slightly.  I squinted and snuck a glance at the container in my hand. 

Then I saw the words “two servings of veggies.”  What the bleep.  Why would veggies co-exist with berries?  Then I’m wondering if it’s like the trick that tomatoes play on everyone:  tomatoes are really fruit, except we market them as a vegetable to give the rest of the vegetables a good name.  It works.  Some of you are saying, “tomato is NOT a fruit.”  Okay, don’t believe me, look it up.

Let me say I am not about to make peace with the vegetable community just because One of them is a fraud and tastes good.  But I will be much more careful when reading labels of my yogurt-like drinks.  For the record, one of the two veggies in the drink was “beet.”  Now I ask you:  under what circumstances would anyone want to eat beets?! 

Because I am a magnanimous person, I just want to warn all of you out there who are trying to take a baby-step towards healthier eating:  READ THE LABELS.  You could ingest something that has little nutritional value and no taste for no good reason.  Like beets.  I am proud to have taken-one-for-the-team in this instance but I am also willing to work with  you on a class-action lawsuit against the stealth practices of these drink makers.  Be careful!

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I dedicate this column to A&T, who always want to help me eat healthier… things like veggie straws with no taste.

If you want to discuss the eating issue again, I will meet you at Dunkin’.