She actually shoved him.
My mouth dropped open. I scanned
the other faces seated on the bus waiting-benches nearby and took in the
reactions for a second. While I
continued moving away from that scene and towards my vehicle, I was gathering
data in my head…. along with questions.
It began with:
Why did a mother shove
her approximately seven year old son?
He was being seven, a rascally seven at that. He had pushed a small shopping cart off the
sidewalk onto the road where the bus would soon arrive. I think boys sometimes do things to see them
crash. They are very much in the
moment. I know that many parents would
swat a kid’s behind for doing something like that. And others would do nothing but be mortified
by the “scene” their kid was creating.
Still others would shrug their shoulders and let the kid win the day
with his nonsense. None of this takes
into account the kids who would never
pull a stunt like that because even though it was mostly harmless and
brainless, their parents would go ape on them at home. (I didn’t just say that, did I?). And, yes, admittedly pushing the cart out is potentially dangerous.
But what is going on
with that mother? More specifically,
you’d have to see the shove itself. She
shoved him in such a way that he sprawled onto the concrete. It wasn’t far for
him to fall down because he was a small kid, but it sent a powerful series of
messages. She had a few words for him as
well. But I have to say I wouldn’t have
given her an award for insightful parenting at that point. She was out of control in that moment and
childrearing “experts” (if Dr. Spok and Ted Tripp are still appreciated) would
insist: you never hit a child when you are angry. Technically, she didn’t even hit the kid –
she pushed him. You may ask, “Was it
harder than she intended?” My worry is
that it was SOFTER than she would have done if they were home alone. She peeled back a layer of her life before
us, a bunch of strangers passing through, and showed us she is out of control. And even I, a non-parent, know that you never
hit a kid in anger. Some parents may
swat a kid’s bum to teach cause & effect; but, with spanking itself, if
you’ve got emotion, you can have a breaking point and do some harm.
How are we supposed to
react to this? The “Way of the City”
is to just look the other way and pretend you don’t see it. Don’t get involved – perhaps because that
could mean lawyers or Child Protective Services get involved later. No one on the bench moved. No one around even said anything. It was a brief vignette, as you would see in
a role play of some sort, and the audience remained muted. Is this style of parenting a
culturally-accepted behavior in a community that I don’t live in? I hope
not. To be clear, the kid wasn’t broken
or bleeding or wailing in any way, shape or form. Most likely the worst thing that got hurt was
his pride. But my heart felt his pain as
I passed through their zone. I felt
uncomfortable, yes, but I also didn’t want her shoving ME. So I walked on through – while I was moving
on the outside, I was paralyzed on the inside.
Is it time for more
parenting seminars to be publicized and made available? The cynical side of me says that people would
not go to the seminars. Single, frazzled
mothers don’t have the time or patience to listen to someone telling them about
other approaches to discipline. Married
couples probably would find it humiliating to admit that one or the other
parent doesn’t have a clue on how to deal with kids except for the way their
parents dealt with them. “It was good
enough for me in my day, and I turned out okay.” Admitting weakness might create a sense of
being a failure as a parent. There are
so many issues and hurdles.
Clearly, discipline is important. Even the Bible says that the person who HATES
his child is the one who refuses to discipline him. Refusing to discipline or put behavioral
parameters around a kid doesn’t prepare him for Real Life. Real Life has rules. When rules are broken there are consequences
that are societal, as well as consequences that are natural. For instance:
Society may say that you cannot walk on the ledge of a high up building
– no matter how thrilling that idea is for you.
The societal consequences might include:
a visit with the police, an unintended stay at a mental health facility,
or a financial fine. The natural
consequences are: if you are a klutz and
you fall, or you didn’t account for the changing wind, you won’t be around to
do anymore dare-devil feats.
Discipline is also a training ground for success in
life. When you heed the parameters
around you, or learn to work WITH the powers that establish those parameters,
you develop a good set of life skills.
For instance, Nick Wallenda the aerial acrobat and Evil Knievel the
motorcycle dare-devil are two guys who learned how to work within the system
and actually create careers out of their
adventurous spirits. In the latter
cases, there is a win-win. The person
gets to live in the zone that they find exciting and they also have created an
entertainment venue that teaches the values of persistence and concentration
and bravery.
In a more every day setting, the person who can discipline
herself to study, learn and pursue education while other friends are goofing
around, can earn a degree or certification that opens up a new set of life
opportunities for her. The man who can
take a cookbook and patiently follow directions creates the opportunity to
impress his new girlfriend with a beautiful and delicious meal … or he can have
his own television show! The kid who has
the patience to learn to hammer nails in perfectly straight on a piece of board
can grow up to be a famous woodworker or home builder. The possibilities are endless for those who
can move within structure of culture, and self-discipline certainly plays a key
role in that. But kids don’t come emotionally
hard-wired with self-discipline: it has
to be ingrained in them by loving, astute parents, teachers and community
authorities.
So I guess my closing conclusion would be this: I think the parent in this case failed to
discipline wisely: She just knee-jerked
her reaction. It is true, I doubt the
kid will do this thing again – that is the “win.” But the loss may be bigger than the win: his respect for his mother will be squelched
by the fear of her. I watched two
parents raise three children together.
The third child was only spanked once – by a relative, not by either of
them. And yet she grew up close to them
as a loving, witty, engaging young person. She was given gentle direction with words and
example. I don’t think she ever even sat
in “time out.” She is now a positive
contributor to society and has never been in trouble with the Law. Her relationship with her parents is one of
respect and love. She is perhaps one of the
finest people I know. The son at the
curb will most likely not have a relationship with his mother like this young
woman has with her parents. I am a
betting woman, and I still believe you get what you pay for. Good luck, lady. Maybe next time you will know a different
way.
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