The Particulars of Real World Math

The Particulars of Real World Math

Was Algebra class useful for you in the Real World?  Just thought I’d ask.  I’m taking a course in a new kind of mathematics now.  No, it’s not an online course.  It’s more of, well; let’s say an “in-home tutorial.”  Remember when New Math came out?  I remember the phrase but I don’t know the difference between Old Math and New Math.  It’s a detail. 
The course I am taking is called “Dog Math.”  It is closely related to “After-Math.”

The principles of Dog Math are all lived in real-world time.  You can use them daily.  See if you recognize these.

Paper Towels.  The number of paper towels needed for cleaning up a spill on the floor is always multiplied by two.  And then you add yelling.  And you then subtract a dog running away with one of the paper towels (which is why you needed two, so that you wouldn’t be left with zero).  It looks like this:  (Px2)+Y-DRA=0+1

Quantity of Socks in Drawer.  How many socks actually in the drawer, minus 10% for the ones that are mate-less because some are on the back lawn or under a bush or snowbank, divided by two = number of pairs.  It looks like this:  (SID-.10)/2 = pairs.

Dog Fur.  In order to calculate the number of years that dog fur remains in a home after the particular dog is located Elsewhere (dog heaven for most ….) calculate the number of years the dog lived in the home, multiply by number of any dogs still living there.  Then take that figure and multiply it by the number of brooms, vacuum cleaners and dust –busters you have had during the dog years.  Multiply that final figure by 100.  You should end with a number that is higher than one thousand five hundred.  Divide that number by twelve months and you will feel better.  But it is still pretty high.  DF=(DLx#ODs)xBVCDB’sx100= FUR Years/12 months.

Thunder Storm Watch.  To calculate how many dogs it takes to sleep through a thunder storm I recommend this formula:  Begin with you in your bed or on the couch + One dog curled behind your knee +  One dog draped horizontally over your torso + One dog on your head.  (Take the number of dogs available and make sure they are utilized to their own comfort level.)  Now multiply this figure by zero.  Because no one really falls asleep during a thunderstorm, with or without full dog coverage. 

Cat Corollary to Thunder Storm Watch.  When located with appropriate number of dogs on couch, be sure that a cranky cat is lying on the top part of the couch.  When that cat steps in between the dogs, gets snorted in the caboose by one of the dogs and all heck breaks loose, again, the final figure will be Zero Sleep, but you add the Yelling Factor in there for excitement.  

The Bone of Contention Theorem.  The number of special-purchase bones available for dogs in the house can be calculated this way:  Purchase same number of Elk bones as you have dogs in the house.  Minus that figure by quantity of dogs minus one.  That is how many bones will be visible and available, causing dog riots at any given time in the house.  It looks like this:  #B – (#D-1) = number of available bones.  This figure should always calculate to:  one.

Insanity Formula.  This formula is tricky in that it involves time which is impacted by Quantity.  There are many corollaries.  It is always calculated by dogs to ensure Insanity of People is the final outcome.  Apparently, we are more pleasant when we are drooling like the dogs.  Basic formula:  #Dogs > #people in household.  Children also use this principle:  #Kids > #parents in household.  The Boomerang corollary for dogs:  #dogs at home - # puppies sold to new homes + one puppy that boomerang back to the home.  The Boomerang corollary for kids:  #adults at home - # of kids launched into adult life + the kid that returns.  The Commotion corollary for dogs:  #dogs at home x N (noise) x RA (Rambunctious Activity) = WN4O (Wine Night for Owner).

Forgiveness Principle.  How many times a true Dog Lover will forgive their dog.  This is an ancient biblical formula that we find so much easier to apply to dogs than people:  70x7.  Even if it is daily, the Person is only happy to do it.